It's time to #GIVEANUT

April Fools!

The below article was written as an April Fools joke for 2016, and should not be mistaken for actual medical findings!

If you don’t use it, you lose it.

We’ve all heard the saying, but probably haven’t paid much attention to it since it doesn’t really have an impact on our daily lives. A recent study published by the Journal of Erectile Function will probably make most men think twice.

The study, published earlier this week, showed that 1 in 5 men experienced a sexual dry spell of six months or longer. This dry spell however, can have further health implications than doctors had originally thought.

“My friends and I would always joke about blue balls, but I didn’t think it was an actual thing,” says Tim Schultz, a 19-year-old from Grand Prairie who was diagnosed last month with a condition known as Hyacinth Pilas, commonly known as ‘Blue Balls’. “I just wish I had known, you know? Now I’m really in an ever tougher spot when it comes to my sex life.”

Tim walking on the beach in the cold with his blue balls (not shown)

Tim walking on the beach in the cold with his blue balls (not shown)

Getting Blue Balls is a gradual process, and mimics similar behaviors that doctors observe in muscle. Dr. Randy Estevez, one of the doctors involved in the study, explains that “just like a patient recovering long term in a wheel chair will see some atrophying in their legs and back, a man going through a sever dry spell will see similar atrophying in the testicles and penis because of underuse and neglect.” This atrophying, Dr. Estevez explains, reduces blood flow to the sexual organs which can significantly impact a sufferer’s sexual performance – hence if you don’t use it, you lose it. The only cure Dr. Estevez says is “a transplant of a healthy testicle in order to stimulate the affected area.” It's definitely a tall order, and Dr. Estevez is concerned that there is a huge need going completely unnoticed. Enter Oneball.

Dr. Estevez staring deeply into the distance, waiting to get his hands on some balls (for transplanting of course)

Dr. Estevez staring deeply into the distance, waiting to get his hands on some balls (for transplanting of course)

Today Oneball is proud to announce our #GIVEANUT campaign. We at Oneball believe in helping all of our Oneballer brethren, and have worked tirelessly to develop a program which will help those with Blue Balls. The process is simple, generous men will donate a nut and we will match that nut to those who are in need of it most. “Having a system like this really gives me hope that I’ll be able to find another ball,” says Tim, Oneball’s first entry into our Blue Ball Database. “I certainly won’t let my new ball go to waste if I get one,” he went on to say.

giveanut

It is Oneball’s hope with this program that we can get men off of the couch watching Netflix, and back into the bedroom. Over the next few months, Oneball and its partners intend to hit the streets and canvas social media in the hopes of raising awareness about Blue Balls and finding potential donors to #GIVEANUT. “It’s really going to make a huge difference in the quality of life of sufferers,” says Dr. Estevez.

If you think someone you know may have blue balls, please encourage them to talk to their family doctor. Or just help them out with their Tinder profile, it’s your call. Either way, we hope you’ll spread the word about Blue Balls and encourage people to #GIVEANUT.

In the meantime, check out the song "Blue Balls" by the Ginger Ale & The Monowhales.

Album art for "Blue Balls" by Ginger Ale & The Monowhales

Album art for "Blue Balls" by Ginger Ale & The Monowhales

Chris, chris@oneball.ca